This is why I must possibly write. I have this flaw of repeating myself. Whether it is a nice thing or a mean thing or any thing at all, I have this problem with repeating it two or three times. Each time is a little different, a slight angle from the other. It is as if I was not heard--the feeling or fear of having not gotten my point across. So I have to say it again. Almost, it may be a habit, unstoppable. Because, often, I perceive my recipient’s acknowledgment of my statement. Not just the normal head raise and lower or some “yes, I understand. very interesting.” Still, I am compelled to say the thing again. This happened tonight. I said a thing, my thing, my irritation, my anger over a little thing. The answer came forth from the other. It was a good answer. But still, I proceeded as if I had not heard. (this is also a useful set of dialogs or communications for a person not all there and who cannot communicate. A bad salesman, a lousy lawyer, the worst kind of boss.) But what I am say is, why, asking myself why, and how do I fix me? Can I fix me? What does it all mean? And then, in a moment of laying myself down on the bed it happened. The thought came into my little head. Is this not what a writer does? Repeat their words again and again as drafts and drafts after drafts, trying to say a thing over and over until they say it right? That is exactly what I do (this exactness of a realization overcomes me as I write this down) when I repeat myself to someone in person. I am rehearsing and then trying it again in another way and until the sentence that finally comes out is the one I wished I had at the start...only, I have screwed up the recipient. This is not nice. I also have had to write this down before I would certainly forget it. Sometime I repeat in draft to draft draft again and until I figure it out...all out loud because I did not bother to write it down during the thought’s first event.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
I Repeat Myself
This is why I must possibly write. I have this flaw of repeating myself. Whether it is a nice thing or a mean thing or any thing at all, I have this problem with repeating it two or three times. Each time is a little different, a slight angle from the other. It is as if I was not heard--the feeling or fear of having not gotten my point across. So I have to say it again. Almost, it may be a habit, unstoppable. Because, often, I perceive my recipient’s acknowledgment of my statement. Not just the normal head raise and lower or some “yes, I understand. very interesting.” Still, I am compelled to say the thing again. This happened tonight. I said a thing, my thing, my irritation, my anger over a little thing. The answer came forth from the other. It was a good answer. But still, I proceeded as if I had not heard. (this is also a useful set of dialogs or communications for a person not all there and who cannot communicate. A bad salesman, a lousy lawyer, the worst kind of boss.) But what I am say is, why, asking myself why, and how do I fix me? Can I fix me? What does it all mean? And then, in a moment of laying myself down on the bed it happened. The thought came into my little head. Is this not what a writer does? Repeat their words again and again as drafts and drafts after drafts, trying to say a thing over and over until they say it right? That is exactly what I do (this exactness of a realization overcomes me as I write this down) when I repeat myself to someone in person. I am rehearsing and then trying it again in another way and until the sentence that finally comes out is the one I wished I had at the start...only, I have screwed up the recipient. This is not nice. I also have had to write this down before I would certainly forget it. Sometime I repeat in draft to draft draft again and until I figure it out...all out loud because I did not bother to write it down during the thought’s first event.
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