Jerry Seinfeld, The MailBox & Me

I have been unable to sleep through the night. Haunted by many things. The many projects we've chosen for this house. The computer projects I've wanted to do. The bills. The truck. The overwhelming need to write. This woke Rose too; somehow she could hear my thoughts. So she went to craigslist to find me a job: this: and this hit me pretty hard; not pretty; absolutely. It is a most painful hit. It might have had something to do with yesterday. No, wait. It does have something to do with yesterday. Otherwise, how could I be mistaken. I mean, what was that? Yesterday? It began for me at an 8:30ish wake up. It jumped right into the plan to go to a yard sale in Phoenix. A yard sale we went to years ago. A yard sale from which I can only remember how we procured some five thousand magazines. So anyway. I got a show. Then.... Why am I telling this story about yesterday. Because yesterday turned out to be a bummer. We could title the day: 'The Mail Box' In which a boxed up package for Beaverton went into the shoot without paid postage. Although. My Zenith radio from 1951 arrived. It was quite beautiful. *said with four syllables like you would say, theatrical* Although again. The burger was pretty good. So I gave my problem also to Rose. Explaining how I am overwhelmed by all that must be done. Still, I don't think she understands. I was going to write it out in an essay. I said as much in an email. Also. During my time of unsleep I watched Howard Stern interview Seinfeld. In that interview Jerry said a few things that revealed who he was and how he works. Most disturbing to me. I wanna beat my head in with this keyboard. Oh. Really? You want me to...? Well if you want to know what I'm talking about I'm not going to explain it. You can watch it yourself. Here. Watch it yourself: the YouTube of the interview. Then there's Rousseaux Brasseur. In the blog he's writing for his wife he talks about the distance, the way in which he is unable to empathize with his wife and her tortures. I think also of my wife; her tortures of having to deal with me. You see, I am wondering about her empathies about me. Mainly because I barely understand myself as it is. The way things have messed me up. The ups and downs of where I'm at. How I'm thinking of telling him some of how she's feeling. But then. I am not so sure I could easily explain it. That's where that essay would have come in handy. Then to answer all that comes along Seinfeld. He addresses the limits when it comes to the mess I'm pondering all night. Now note that it is 5:24 in the am. And so it hit me. All this. And I hate myself for it. All this. What in the world am I going to do now? Seinfeld said that if he stopped working he would send a bullet into his mouth. He doesn't mess around thinking about it, talking about it, not doing it. He would say just get off your butt and get to work. Jerry said another interesting thing in the YouTube, at 32:29, he says, "Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with...that's marriage, it's kids, it's work, it's exercise, it's not eating the food you want to eat. Find the torture you're comfortable with and you'll do well." So here's where I'm at. I don't know. I feel like I should talk about it. With my self. Not with anyone else. This self talk. Unlike a joke maker a story maker works things out with more words. ...or... is that true...I ask...because what about John Carver. He wrote big stories with few words. Part of the problem I am having is the too many projects. And the direction we're running is all over the map. I feel like we're not staying on the road, or at least one road until it's destined end; rather we are trying out all the roads; uncontrollably mind you. And it's frustrating the heck out of me. Why can't we just work on one thing at a time. Why can't we forget the projects that are too far from here. Put them in the way ahead list. They'll be there when we can get done with more immediate needful projects. So then. What is the next action. To list, in words, on paper, or here in Evernote/IQTEll? or Dropbox or what ever man, all the projects and to-tos that need doing. I want to see them all laying out in front of my eyes. Then. How do we break them down into daily manageable actionable outlineable items. Otherwise. You see. I have these grand walls walling me in. They are also exasperatingly frustrating; leaving me always confused and stuck in waste deep quicksand, and I can't get out. I strain daily to break free and break forward but there are these chains pulling me back. How in the world do I break free? Another thought. I hate myself (disregard any extremes. this is a measurement) over my writing. But I fear if I continue down this sad road my measure of self-hate will increase in multiples. So. Maybe I should listen to Jerry and stop talking about it.